self-help - SPIRAL-M empowerment music

Becoming empowered by developing gratitude

November 10, 2011October 19, 2011 by spiral-m

Do you generally suffer from a lack of gratitude? If the answer is "yes" then you could benefit from this article. It is not always possible to be grateful due to turbulence in life, but gratitude is an essential quality to develop in order to achieve greater fulfilment. I am going to explain why and how you can put this into practise.

The sense of gratitude is enriching and pleasant: it puts us at ease, brings joy to our hearts and puts a smile on our faces. So wouldn't it be a desirable goal to achieve this more often?

You might be asking right now, "Why be thankful when there appears to be many reasons that suggest life is against me?" If that is the question, then congratulations – things can only get better from that starting point! There will be times in life which are wearing, painful and frustrating – where we can't envisage being thankful in the moment and need to focus on finding an external solution. However, there is a big difference between continually viewing yourself as a victim in times of trouble, and welcoming problems as a springboard for becoming a stronger and happier person. You don't have to like what is happening in order to be thankful! Let me illustrate: if you have a conflict situation with another person, it is possible to simultaneously want to change the situation AND be thankful. You could find that person's current behaviour to be selfish, counter-productive, hurtful, manipulative etc.; you can ALSO be aware of an opportunity to learn not to lose sight of your humanity at the same time – i.e. your respect towards your "opponent" who also has his or her own problems and development to go through. You don't have to agree with that person's attitude right now in order to feel thankful to them for providing you with a motor to develop compassion, for example. It is not about always being nice, rather, about cultivating the skill of seeing beyond the current unwanted situation. This may seem a lofty objective at the moment, but this is where we are heading!

If you are in a dreadful situation and really can't change the situation itself, you may need to let go of your negative feelings. That, too, can result in gratitude later. However that is a big subject I won't be dealing with here. Let's assume now, that you don't have very good reason for not being able to focus upon filling your life with more gratitude. I'll put this into context. Because we live in a materialistic world, where it is considered normal to search for happiness outside of the self, it is extremely common to complain when things don't come up to expectations. And we are full of expectations! Therefore, lack of gratitude resulting from an habitually weak view of life – rather than because of actual dire circumstances – is extremely common! The problem is not the events that we don't like, but the meaning that we give to them. The more expectations we have, the more we will be disappointed with life's blows. Whilst having wishes and goals can create a dynamic life, we shouldn't cling obsessively to them. Developing gratitude involves focusing on the many beautiful things that happen in our lives from moment to moment. Some of these are so simple that we just take them for granted. In richer countries where there is material abundance for most, it is easy to become literally spoilt for choice. We simply aren't aware how lucky we are.

I once had an English pupil who had a high-ranking position in a large company. He told me how he was amazed, while on a trip to Brazil, to see radiant smiles on the faces of poor people who'd managed to find enough food to survive on a rubbish heap in a large city. He felt himself to be a not particularly happy person, despite having the secure, large income, 3 cars, paid-up mortgage on a large house etc.. I got the impression that he hadn't practised learning gratitude. I hope that clarifies the issue!

When we are generally ungrateful, we are not particularly pleasant to be with. Not only do other people around us pick up on our bad energy, but it's also a vicious circle, like any habit which occurs without conscious observation. Our frustration often attracts patterns of events which refuel our belief. We have to be able to step outside ourselves to change this. Wouldn't it be more favourable to be in the positive energy of gratitude? How much do you desire that change? Are you prepared to take the next simple step?

The Method

Now we are going to get creative with our imagination: an incredibly powerful, yet highly underused tool for positive change.

Take some time to relax a little. Imagine the last time you felt good about something. It could be a holiday, social event, going to a concert, a funny TV programme, the smile on a child's face, a dog jumping into a pile of leaves or something you achieved in the face of difficulties. The list can be huge! Take any example that you can think of which is appealing and reflect upon it for as long as it feels good to do so. Try to relive the memory of that event. Now you can repeat this for as many themes as you like. Try to imagine that these events have been given especially to you, by life. Don't worry if this is difficult at first – it might require some practise even at this stage but I'm pretty certain that you will find yourself more capable than you had previously thought.

Next we want to turn our attention to something that is happening, or exists, around us now. There may be a possession, or a person that we like in the vicinity – perhaps a picture on the wall. If not, just look around you for the most appealing object or happening. Again, savour the moment and reflect positively for as long as possible, and then repeat with anything else that captures your affection more than any other! You may well see yourself as simply having forgotten how good something is.

Once you get a kind of momentum going you can move up to the next level. The first steps were the easiest because you were dealing with themes that you found pleasing. It is time to focus on anything you really neither like nor dislike. This is the neutral category. It might be a traffic light. Ask yourself how it might be beneficial. You could try to reflect, for example, on how you have been able to avoid car crashes because of the positive side of a well-functioning traffic light system. Or if you are sitting on a chair right now, imagine how uncomfortable it would be if the chair didn't exist and you had to sit on the floor or stand in front of the computer for a long time! That chair has aided your comfort so you can be grateful for that. The sky is the limit regarding examples here and I am sure you will begin to be able to think up reams of them! Try to include people – those who you would otherwise find uninteresting. A shop assistant who helped you in a rather bored manner could be turned into someone who had to do a boring job but who nonetheless pointed out where the food was that you particularly wanted and couldn't find yourself. Had the supermarket had no interest in providing assistance, you would have wasted a lot of valuable time in finding things.

Many banal and mundane themes appear to have no meaning in your life at first sight but they are ALWAYS part of your experience. Don't forget this! You give them a value – good, bad or neutral.

The technique of seeing your situation relative to that of someone who is much worse off in some way is often an effective method to get gratitude quickly into perspective. The thing to avoid here is guilt, unless you can transform it into a genuine desire to alleviate poverty and help others less fortunate than yourself. Would you choose to live in Somalia? If not, then be thankful that you have been given the opportunity to live where you do, where you don't have to think about how to get enough food to eat and clean water. Take the time to consider where all your possessions come from. How many people worked for little wages in order that you could buy products at an affordable price? You may find yourself feeling extremely lucky and relieved that you have such a great lifestyle! If that brings up compassion to share around more, then you are a great asset to creating a happier, healthier world!

The final main step will very probably take much time to master, but it if you make it your vision and goal, you will start seeing enormous benefits and self-help. You have probably guessed by now that we are going to start dealing with developing a sense of gratitude for events, material things and happenings, which we definitely do not want to experience. Typical examples would be personal conflicts, hardship, illness, the decay of the body through getting old, and anything else where we might hit rock-bottom. Consider this: the bigger the problem, the greater the power of motivation to free ourselves from suffering, which means more positive change! We can literally achieve quantum leaps in conscious living and ultimately great strength, happiness and gratitude as a direct result of big problems. We are here to learn and must try to relish the opportunities presented to us so that we may grow. As a result of illness, for example, we are sometimes forced to take time off and get used to letting go, doing nothing and resting. Our bodies can also benefit from illnesses by building up resistance to disease with newly formed antibodies. You could learn through illness how to respond to your body's signals better and thus avoid much affliction in the future, e.g., by eating healthily and taking the necessary time to relax. Thank your body that it helps you to make the right choices when you listen! It is a question of understanding suffering and responding the most creative way.

One of the greatest challenges in life is having to deal with people whom we don't like. We tend to want to avoid them but that is not always an option. When we are faced with the person we perceive to be unpleasant, or to whom we react by taking their comments and actions personally, we should try 100% to create value out of the situation. What can we learn from them? Do they reflect any of our own weaknesses? Are we hypocritical? Or maybe we can finally summon up our courage to stand up against their injustices instead of giving in to fear and bowing down to their authority. You can use the same techniques I discussed previously for being thankful for uncovering opportunities in undesirable situations. If you can't do it on the spur of the moment when you are confronted by your "enemy", be determined to take the issue seriously and rise to the challenge of transforming it. Take time to reflect upon the good qualities in the other person. Consider how fear is operating here. Are you taking into account your own self-respect? Are you afraid to convey that to them? Try to visualise happiness for both of you. This last one can be very difficult at first but don't be put off. I recommend repeating this daily, if possible, until you notice the seed of happiness starting to grow within you again!

You will need to train these positive mindsets described above, as well as other creative methods in the field of personal growth, which I can hardly touch on here. With practise you will start to understand deeply how problems are actually a blessing in disguise. Gratitude will start to become the norm!

When is positive thinking positive?

November 10, 2011October 12, 2011 by spiral-m

Positive thinking is an extremely powerful technique to use, in order to redress the imbalance of perception in our lives. Negativity can act in a crippling manner; it can imprison the thinker in a small world, seemingly limited of choice and free will. It can stifle creativity. It can suppress courage that is much-needed to confront bad habits, in order to transform them into thoughts and actions which are in harmony with our well-being.

We have all heard phrases such as, “how full is a glass of beer? Half full or half empty?" It is true that there is too much negativity in the world today. I might not like it at first when the weather is atrociously wet and stormy during my free time, where I had planned to go for a bike ride. But if if I focus on the fact that I can get some chores out of the way in one fell swoop: tasks that were hanging over my head for weeks – then I can feel great about that. People lack hope, in my opinion, because they are used to either letting information that causes negative thoughts and emotions, just take effect, or they suppress negative information by switching off from reality and thus don't experience the great possibilities of transformation through confronting the problem head on and finding a solution with resolve.

Positive thinking can alter the belief system of the observer. If it is used effectively with visual imagery and association with positive feeling, we can actually reprogramme our subconscious into a more pleasant state. We can relieve stress, vanquish recurring nightmares, quit smoking etc.. However, it can also be used to dangerous excess. If we are fearful of negative thoughts, and want to escape from them, we will perhaps find temporary refuge with the use of positive thinking, but we are simply hiding from ourselves – that is very counter-productive.

We may try to do this by rationalising, rising above the negativity with pure resolve, or letting go. I believe there is a danger in trying to escape from negative thoughts. We should basically learn to live with them, as a normal part of life, but not be dominated by them. Negativity has a very useful function. It allows us to see what makes us tick. It gives us insights into our belief system, which is not always very apparent because we are not always conscious. If we can learn to face this negativity, to dive into it and find out where it's coming from – from time to time – then we can use it to our benefit and transform our lives. We can use it to become stronger. What we don't want to do is become obsessed with it, or stagnate with it.

Nobody really wants pain in the end, but it enlightens eventually. There is such a thing as obsessive positive thinking which stems from fear of pain. Pain is part of life, whether we like it or not, so we better get used to it and just make the most out of it. If we flee from pain – switch off from it by suppressing it, it will come back at some point through the back door, possibly many times magnified. The suppression or bottling-up of emotions always backfires eventually, in unexpected and unpredictable ways. Creating a bubble of distorted reality is not where we really want to head towards. I have experienced my greatest realisations and leaps in development via my most intense suffering. For that I am grateful – how could it have happened otherwise?

The implications of the suppression can manifest in any number of ways. One example to illustrate, would be how the sense of compassion is numbed, when we avoid feeling any pain whatsoever. It is certainly my experience, that when I have been through a period of suffering, I can understand others who have been to the same place and give them sympathy. This is a form of sharing pain which creates bonds and a sense of belonging between people, as long as it is eventually understood as a means to transform the suffering. If you can accept pain, you can share it with others as a learning experience. It needs to be felt, nonetheless. Without courage to confront our fear of pain, and therefore look pain straight in the eyes, we won't be up to liberate ourselves more than in a superficial, temporary way. Sometimes this process can be achieved alone, but it may need the guidance of a good therapist or other experienced healer with a solid reputation for success (that person will have to be compassionate and understanding themselves!). It all depends how far the distortion has developed. Switching off may seem like an easy option, but it becomes psychopathic if neglected. That's why so many dreadful deeds are committed in the world today, yet everything is so often accepted – described as normal, human nature, just the way of things. Don't be fooled.

We live in a world of seemingly endless bad news. This can be overwhelming for those who have not yet discovered that we can stay connected – instinctively, intellectually and emotionally – with the whole network of life AND we can dive into the Abyss of Hell and come back with a new-found hope.

Don't be afraid of pain and fear, because we are stronger and can go beyond it. Just make sure to find outside loving help if needed. We can reach out to our brothers and sisters in distress AND dive into the ocean of positivity and good vibes.

Happiness – absolute and relative

November 10, 2011September 19, 2011 by spiral-m

Happiness is when you are in the flow. You feel alive. At peace with yourself and others. Emotionally connected and in harmony with others. Being in your creative element. Savouring the delightful, sensual flavours of life. Discovering your potential. Seeing the positive side of problems. Laughing things off….

I believe that, deep down, everyone is searching for happiness but it eludes so many and so often because of the clouded mind of illusions. Most people still look for it in things far more than in themselves, only to find that it doesn't materialise at all or is that most short-lived. That is because of a cycle of dissatisfaction through wanting more all the time, or lack of gratitude, and generally not realising that we are the deciders in the matter of happiness. Happiness is a decision.

When you feel happy, you attract many good things: people, situations, success… You have a higher state of energy and this obviously can improve your health and motivational level. On the other hand, when you are “down" or “low" that is by definition a less energetic state except perhaps during short-lived bursts of anger. But even after a bout of anger we often feel sapped of energy because we were fighting against something with frustration. Low energy levels mean a tendency for health to deteriorate, and may result in attracting undesirable events and situations. It certainly doesn't equate with feeling alive being of a generally negative mindset. Surely we want to feel alive and well?

The negative emotions have a positive role to play when we learn to understand them and their causes, and are able to create value as a result of them. But if they get the upper hand generally, we become imprisoned through tunnel-vision, a vicious cycle of seeing only bad meaning in events, which fuels further fatalism and victimisation-perceptions when such events repeat themselves. Phases of positivity and negativity together in life are not only unavoidable, they are necessary to make for dynamic, interesting and enriching experiences as long as we don't allow ourselves to remain in negativity.

Much of happiness that is experienced is relative. It requires desirable events, situations, people and material things. It needs life to go well. In contrast, absolute happiness is a state that can exist despite things “going badly". In reality it may seem like an impossible task to be happy during hard times and it would be foolish to expect a plateau of joy to continue unabated come what may. It is normal and healthy to fall into despair, anger, hatred and frustration from time to time. But the human potential is huge for learning to see the positive side of undesirable events as they arise, for developing the skills of resilience, for being imaginative and creative in transforming problems, for focusing on thoughts that recreate positive energy, or even for completely letting go if necessary, so that one can achieve an inner stillness. There are many methods available to us to create absolute happiness if we are only willing to look and try hard enough.