A sticky brown toxic substance known as “Nutella” (scientific name: shit) has been found to be partly responsible for causing cancerous tumours on the Earth’s surface. Research into this cancer development has resulted in a bizarre story.
A team of planetary doctors from the Universal Medical Board (UMB) has been conducting research in order to find the causes of the many tumours which have appeared and grown rapidly in the last 200 years. This will help them to select the best remedy.
According to Dr Godson, a representative of UMB, the tumours are easily recognisable: ugly, monocultural green blobs called “Oil Palm Plantations”, devoid of more than 2 to 3 species of life and full of toxins. Healthy cells are also easy to identify: beautiful tropical forests teeming with diversity. But “Nutella” is not the only culprit – findings of the UMB make for a much stranger and more twisted story. Apparently it is not the Earth herself applying this shit cream to her surface, nor consuming it, rather the increasingly common parasite, homo sapiens, which is also happens to be producing the Nutella.
Dr Godson told us, “Our understanding of Homo sapiens is becoming better as research continues over the years. This is a most curious species which is easily identifiable: a rather erect, relatively hairless animal with variations in behaviour through the population but the increasing trend seems to be that it surrounds itself with all sorts of self produced waste, especially electrically charged objects. The reasons for this have remained a complete mystery. The animals are able to think but didn’t react well to learning experiments in the laboratory, with some exceptions.
It is bizarre that while most parasites secure their furthered existence by maintaining access to several hosts and not necessarily causing the death of any such host, homo sapiens is unique in that it seems to be becoming programmed to destroy its one and only host. It has literally become a shit factory! Let me explain – it often produces faeces from its mouthparts – excrement happens (laughter) – or simply hot air. Originally it lived symbiotically, which means co-operatively, with the Earth, feeding on her healthy produce and putting back nutrients in the form of healthy faeces or as decaying bodies after death. However current trends show the animals have become highly adapted to producing more and more toxins, at huge energy cost, including their own toxic food supply. This peculiar “nutrition” is very paradoxical as it causes cancer in the parasites themselves and is apparently consumed in biologically unfeasible amounts. The species also has a habit of killing vast numbers of its own members, seemingly unrelated to any survival needs.
Perhaps we are dealing with a freak or reject alien species, may be one from another universe which operates under other physical laws, or at least thinks it does. The species will hopefully go extinct as it is toxifying the Earth with its very existence, but until that time we are considering other cures.
I can confirm that 2 methods have been brought to the table. One of these is stellar radiation which is very costly but has been proven effective in destroying parasites, tumours and substances like Nutella. But because this may not eliminate the cultural source of homo sapiens we are also considering a more profound but lengthy “Therapy” treatment which hopefully will involve interaction with the problem species, like biofeedback after treatment, and which is designed to reprogramme the culture from suicidal to symbiotic. However we are not sure if we have enough time on our hands to save the patient.”